King of the World
by sisterthemoon
Summary: Written for labyfic on LJ: Jareth goes on a bender and has a conversation of sorts with the Wise Man and his Hat. Some very mild language, the drinking of course!, a very OOC Jareth, and some SJ overtones. One shot, reviews welcome!


LJ labyfic Challenge: Drunk!Jareth 

The Goblin King is plastered. Write a scene that includes an explanation of why he went on a royal bender, what he's drinking and a conversation with another character who may or may not actually be present because... well, he's really, really drunk.

Caveat: I do know that the Goblin King is pretty much completely out of character here--that was one of the possible directions the challenge could take, in my opinion. In addition, I had only about 4 hours of sleep before writing this one, and was also kind of hopped up on various medication (all prescribed, I swear!), so...I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm rather more insane than usual and that's surely reflected in my writing. I had a hell of a lot of fun writing it, though. :D Sorry, too, about the duplicate posting--I haven't yet figured out how to edit stories that have already been posted, arg!

Disclaimer: Nope, definitely don't own Labyrinth. I also don't own "Joy To The World (Jeremiah Was A Bullfrog)" (which I have totally butchered here)--that belongs to Three Dog Night, though my brother does kind of sing it the way it's written in this story. I heard the song in the car on my way to work prior to writing this and as I belted out that first line, I could just see it coming out of the Goblin King's mouth after some wicked bender.

* * *

"Jeremiah wuz-zah bullfrog!" The boisterous, drunken voice carried far and wide in the cool night air that swirled lazily through the Labyrinth, and everywhere, the creatures within took notice.

The Fireys, overcome with glee that someone else was having A Good Time, set off immediately to find the source of this fun new game.

"Wuz-zah good frie'na mine!" declared the sotted singer, as he made his laborious way through the maze.

Annoyed by his deaf companion's meaty snores, the mumbling door-knocker tried to yell, "Shut up! I'm trying to listen!" but it came out, much like most things did, as a series of frustrated and completely bollixed random syllables.

"Nev'r--" Only the first word made it, then there was a brief moment of puzzled silence before the over-loud humming started--that universal language of 'oh damn, I forgot the lyrics!'

Still in pursuit of their fun, the Fireys nonetheless recognized what had happened and cackled gaily among themselves. Heads bounced along atop bodies, arms were detached and swapped as they ran along, and occasionally, one or another would send his head up to scout for the location of their prey.

Much like the words themselves, the humming faltered, too, but only for a moment. The voice came back a moment later, triumphant, smugly self-satisfied, and still quite, quite soused. "--helped him share 'is wine! An'e always had some mighty fine wiiiiiiiiiine!"

The door-knocker wasn't the only annoyed denizen of the Labyrinth tonight--that emotion was also claimed by the Wise Man's Hat who, along with the Wise Man himself (naturally), was shambling alongside the plastered, singing Goblin King. The Hat rolled his eyes in annoyance and huffed a sigh. "You just had to tell him about the wine, didn't you? Eh? EH?"

It didn't help matters for the Hat when the Wise Man chimed in for the chorus.

"Jooooooy to the world! Allllllllllll the boys and girls! Joy to the fishies in the deep blue sea, joy to you an' me!"

They staggered to a stop, the motley party of three, never knowing that the Fireys were still in pursuit.

"I love that song," Jareth said, toasting the Wise Man with his wine, spilling some on his hand in the process. Once he noticed, he made a quiet noise of dismay, and set about licking his hands clean.

Though it took him a moment, the Wise Man's rheumy eyes brightened when he saw what the King was doing. "Smart lad, don'waste a drop! S'good stuff, this is. Made just outside our very Labyrinth, don't you know, and brung...brung? Broughted?..."

"It's brought, you idiot," the Hat muttered scathingly.

"Brought! Brought to me by that sweet young thing," was the Wise Man's happy conclusion.

Drunk though he was, Jareth's eyes sharpened at the 'sweet young thing' phrase and he tried to direct a King-like glare the Wise Man's way. "Which 'sweet young thing would that be, hmm?"

When sober, that look combined with the frosty tone would've caused even the dumbest goblin to flee. But the King was definitely not sober, so the glare was slightly out of focus, and the tone was only a few degrees past warm...leaving aside the fact that he was slurring his words.

Even so, the Fireys, who'd just come upon the King, the Wise Man, and the Hat, cringed in anticipation of the retribution that was sure to come--depending on the Wise Man's answer, of course. Noisily, they shushed each other, reined in wayward body parts, and rather than running away, they found convenient places to hide. It could still turn into a game, after all!

So nonchalant that it was starting to look as if he were only pretending to be drunk, the Wise Man gazed at the King for a long moment, drawing out the suspense. "Why, that sweet young thing who lives just outside the Goblin City, Your Majesty! Roams around with a big pile of treasures on her back?"

"Uch," interjected the Hat, "that one. She smells like rotten cabbage."

"Be quiet!" the Wise Man thundered, rolling his eyes upward, prompting the Hat to huff once more before falling into a sulky silence. "Now then, Your Majesty, of whom did you think I was speaking?"

The Fireys, still hidden behind pillars, posts, and everything in between, exchanged looks at the Wise Man's bravery. After all, everyone knew about The Girl! Sure, it had been more than ten years since she'd been there, but he hadn't forgotten about her, so neither had anyone else in the Labyrinth. But if someone was going to end up in the Bog after the Goblin King's bender, better him than them, they agreed in hushed whispers.

"You know very well of whom I was speaking," Jareth muttered, then waved his hand to conjure a bench, which he promptly slouched gracelessly onto. "You're the one who told me to come out and get drunk, remember?" Rather than continue the conversation, he resumed humming the song, lost in thought, not noticing that he'd started the song over again, nor when the words started to come back. "...if I wuz-zah king uh'da world, I know jus' what I'd do..."

They couldn't help it, not the Wise Man, not the Fireys, not even the Hat. They all added their voices to the Goblin King's to belt out the next part they all knew. "... Make sweet love to you!"

The words echoed off the stone walls of the Labyrinth to the courtyard outside, and the castle within the Goblin City, and it was so loud that even the deaf door-knocker couldn't help but hear it. It roused the King from his stupor as the verse sunk in past the overlarge quantity of wine he'd consumed--though he wasn't sure whether that stuff had really been wine, now that he thought about it.

It took three tries before Jareth could get back to his feet, but when he managed, he threw his arms open and yelled, "I am the King of the world! And...I am sh...sh...damn it. I am sexy." He gave his best 'I am terribly seductive and charming' smile and glared blearily at the Hat, as if daring him to disagree.

The Hat, however, embarrassed at the fact that it, too, had bellowed out lyrics to a nonsensical song like a drunken sailor on shore leave, said nothing. It was the Wise Man who commented, and rather mildly, when he asked, "And what does Your Majesty plan to do about it?"

On tenterhooks, the Fireys waited, heads hovering six inches above their necks, their eyes bright.

"I...I...dunno." The King paused, frowning, and everyone else deflated in disappointment. "But the song has a good idea. Exsh--" Cough. "Except I can't just show up in her bed, now can I?"

"Your Majesty..." One of the Fierys' heads floated forward, ears flapping wildly. "Mebbe you should ask her!" And the rest, sensing the potential for Big Fun that they'd been after since the whole encounter started, tore off toward the portal between the worlds.

Unaware of the mischief about to unfold in his kingdom at the hands of the Fireys, Jareth deflated and sat back down on the conjured bench, disappointed. "She doesn't like me anyway..." He trailed off and started humming again, eventually succumbing to the lure of drunken oblivion.

* * *

The sun was a blinding ball of light outside Jareth's balcony window, drilling straight to his head through his closed eyes. It joined the marching band currently playing for the conga line dancing through his skull, and every movement he made caused the sheets to send up a near-deafening rasp of fabric-on-fabric. Funny, he hadn't thought sheets as luxurious as his could make that kind of noise.

"By the Bog," he muttered, noticing as he did that his mouth tasted like that very landmark of his Labyrinth, "I am never drinking with that man or his hat ever again."

"That," replied an all-too-familiar and longed-for female voice noted archly, "is probably one of the smartest things you've ever said."

Startled beyond reckoning, Jareth fell out of bed in a tangle of sheet and blanket, and scowled at the giggles he heard as he fought valiantly to free himself from the mass of cloth. Braving the sun's glare, he cracked an eye open, and squinted at the woman seated in the chair next to his bed.

"You...!"


End file.
